Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
this is so top tier i cant
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*