16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
How dramatic are you?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.