[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous