Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m crying im so happy for them
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.