KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.