There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.