“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.