Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year鈥檚 Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who鈥檚 ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they鈥檝e ever experienced.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Them: I haven鈥檛 seen you in a long time.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.