Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.