Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”