Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
LA today:
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
How to wake up a Beagle
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing