absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake