The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly