“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.