2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
can’t believe I got front row seats
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
the answer was staring at me all along
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards