Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Challenge accepted.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.