Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Weirdos gonna weird.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave