Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler