My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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The prophecy is fulfilled
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.