[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.