There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
also my go-to takeaway order
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.