I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I have never related to anyone more.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*