Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.