I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
NASA has no chill
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.