Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Meeeee too!
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.