triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
selfie game
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.