The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Noah was an idiot.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now