In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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i love modern commerce
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.