My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it