I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Dance like you’re not the father
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK