“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
You Might Also Like
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“We will wed,” I threatened
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”