[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth