i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.