T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis