I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Velcrow
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail