It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.