[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.