[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them