[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
You Might Also Like
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.