After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Leaving the Barbers like
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…