Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.