I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
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On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
But that’s none of my business
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
We’ve all been there…
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*