If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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doing some research
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.