I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
You Might Also Like
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Why is everyone getting married at me
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”