I WON A HAM TODAY
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me irl
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait