When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You Might Also Like
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month