[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Chemical wingman
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult