Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
How to draw a duck
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.