I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
selena gomez
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
A choir of Spring onions
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg