Me if I was a dog
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs